CHAPTER XY.

On my arrival at home, I found my husband taken
with the gout, and his other complaints; my little
daughter ill, and like to die of the small-pox; my eld¬
est son, too, took it; and it was of so malignant a type,
that it rendered him as disfigured, as before he was
beautiful. As soon as I perceived the small-pox was
in the house, I had no doubt but I should take it. Mrs.
Granger advised me to leave if I could. My father
offered to take me home, with my second son, whom I
tenderly loved. But my mother-in-law would not suffer
it. She persuaded my husband it was useless, and
sent for a physician, who seconded her in it, saying,
“ I should as readily take it at a distance as here, if I
were disposed to take it.” I may say, she proved at
that time a second Jephtha, and that she sacrificed us
both, though innocently. Had she known what fol¬
lowed, I doubt not but she would have acted otherwise.
All the town stirred in this affair. Everyone begged
her to send me out of the house, and cried out that it
was cruel to expose me thus. They set upon me, too,
imagining I was unwilling to go; for I had not told
that she was so averse to it. I had at that time no
other disposition, than to sacrifice myself to divine
Providence; and though I might have removed, not¬
withstanding my mother-in-law’s resistance, yet I
would not without her consent; because it looked to
me as if her resistance was an order of heaven. Oh,

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divine will of my Lord ! Thou wast then my only life,
in the midst of all my miseries.

I continued in this spirit of sacrifice to God, wait¬
ing from moment to moment in an entire resignation,
for whatever he should be pleased to ordain. I cannot
express what nature suffered; for I was like one who
sees both certain death and an easy remedy, without
being able to avoid the former, or try the latter. I
had no less apprehension for my younger son than for
myself. My mother-in-law so excessively doted on the
the eldest, that the rest of us were indifferent to her,
Yet I am assured, if she had known that the younger
would have died of the small-pox, she would not have
acted as she did. God makes use of creatures, and
their natural inclinations to accomplish his designs.
When I see in the creatures a conduct which appears
unreasonable and mortifying, I mount higher, and look
upon them as instruments both of the mercy and jus¬
tice of God; for his justice is full of mercy.

When I told my husband that my stomach was
sick, and that I was taking the small-pox, he said it
was only imagination. I let Mrs. Granger know the
situation I was in. As she had a tender heart, she was
affected by the treatment I met with, and encouraged
me to offer myself up to the Lord. At length, nature
finding there was no resource, consented to the sacri¬
fice which my spirit had already made. The disorder
gained ground apace, — I was seized with a great shiv¬
ering, and a pain both in my head and stomach. They
would not yet believe that I was sick; but in a few
hours it went so far, that they thought my life in dan¬
ger; for I was also taken with an inflammation on my
lungs, and the remedies for the one disorder were con-

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99

fcrary to the other. My mother-in-law’s favorite physi¬
cian was not in town, nor the resident surgeon. An¬
other surgeon was sent for, who said, “I must be bled;”
but my mother-in-law would not suffer it at that time
to be done. So little attendance was paid me, that I
was on the point of death for the want of proper
assistance. My husband, not being able to see me,
left me entirely to his mother. She would not allow
any physician but her own to prescribe for me, and
yet did not send for him, though he was within a day’s
journey of us. In this extremity I opened not my
mouth to request any succor. I looked for life or
death from the hand of God, without testifying the
least uneasiness at such extraordinary conduct. The
peace I enjoyed within, on account of that perfect res¬
ignation, in which God kept me by his grace, was so
great, that it made me forget myself, in the midst of
such violent and oppressive disorders.

But the Lord’s protection was indeed wonderful.
How oft have I been reduced to extremity, yet he
never failed to succor, when things appeared most
desperate. It pleased him so to order it, that a skilful
surgeon, who had attended me before, passing by our
house, inquired after me. They told him I was ex¬
tremely ill. He alighted immediately, and came in to
see me. Never was a man more surprised, when he
saw the frightful condition I was in. The small-pox,
which could not come out, had fallen on my nose with
such force, that it was quite black. He thought there
had been a gangrene in it, and that it was going to
fall off. My eyes were like two coals; but I was not
alarmed; for at that time I could have made a sacrifice
of all things, and was pleased that God should avenge

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himself on that face, which had betrayed me into so
many infidelities. He was so affrighted that he could
not hide his surprise, and went into my mother-in-law’s
chamber, and told her, “ it was most shameful to let
me die in that manner, for want of bleeding.” She
still opposed it so violently, that in short she told
him flatly, “she would not suffer it, until the physi¬
cian returned.” He flew into such a rage, at seeing
me thus left without sending for the physician, that he
reproved my mother-in-law in the severest manner;
but all in vain. Upon that he came up again presently
into my chamber, and said, “If you choose, I will bleed
you, and save your life.” I held out my arm to him;
and, though it was extremely swelled, he bled me in an
instant. My mother-in-law was in a violent passion
about it. The small-pox came out immediately; and
he ordered that they should get me bled again in the
evening, but she would not suffer it; and for fear of
displeasing my mother-in-law, and through a total
resignation of myself into the hands of God, I durst
not retain him, whatever occasion I had for it.

I am more particular in this relation, to show how
advantageous it is to resign one’s self to God without
reserve. Though in appearance he leaves us for a
time to prove and exercise our faith, yet he never fails
us, when our need of him is the more pressing. One
may say with the Scripture, “It is God who bringeth
down to the gates of death, and raiseth up again.” The
blackness and swelling of my nose went off, and I
believe, had they continued to bleed me, I had been
pretty easy; but for want of that I grew worse again.
The malady fell into my eyes, and inflamed them with
such severe pain, that I thought I should lose them both.

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101

I had those violent pains for three iv ehs, during
which I got very little sleep. I could not shut my
eyes, they were so full of the small-pox, nor open them
by reason of the pain I endured. There was the great¬
est probability that I should lose my sight, but I was
wholly reconciled to the loss. My throat, palate, and
gums were likewise so filled with the pock, that I could
not swallow broth, or take any nourishment, without
suffering extremely. My whole body looked like that
of a leper. All that saw me said, they had never seen
such a shocking spectacle. But as to my soul, it was
kept in a contentment not to be expressed. The hopes
of its liberty, by the loss of that beauty, which had so
frequently brought me under bondage, rendered me so
well satisfied, and so united to God, that I would not
have changed my condition for that of the most happy
prince in the world.

Everyone thought I would be inconsolable; and sev¬
eral expressed their sympathy in my sad condition, as
they judged it; while I lay still, in the secret fruition
of a joy unspeakable, in this total deprivation of what
had been a snare to my pride, and to the passions of
men. I praised God in profound silence. None ever
heard any complaints from me, either of my pains or
the loss I sustained. The only thing that I said was,
that I rejoiced at, and was exceedingly thankful for the
interior liberty I gained thereby; and they construed
this as a great crime. My confessor, who had been dis¬
satisfied with me before, came to see me. He asked me
if I was not sorry for having the small-pox; and he now
taxed me with pride for my answer.

My youngest little boy took the distemper the same
day with myself, and died for want of care. This blow

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V /

indeed struck me to tlie heart, but yet, drawing strength
from my weakness, I offered him up, and said to God
as Job did, “Thou gayest him to me, and thou takest
him from me; blessed be thy holy name.” The spirit of
sacrifice possessed me so strongly, that, though I loved
this child tenderly, I never shed a tear at hearing of his
death. The day he was buried, the doctor sent to tell
me he had not placed a tombstone upon his grave,
because my little girl could not survive him two days.
My eldest son was not yet out of danger, so that I saw
myself stripped of all my children at once, my husband
indisposed, and myself extremely so. The Lord did
not take my little girl then. He prolonged her life
some years.

At last my mother-in-law’s physician arrived, at a
time wherein he could be of but little service to me.
When he saw the strange inflammation in my eyes, he
bled me several times; but it was too late. And those
bleedings which would have been so proper at first,
did nothing but weaken me now. They could not
even bleed me in the condition I was in, but with the
greatest difficulty; for my arms were so swelled, that
the surgeon was obliged to push in the lance to a great
depth. Moreover, the bleeding being out of season
had liked to have caused my death. This, I confess,
would have been very agreeable to me. I looked upon
death as the greatest blessing for me. Yet I saw well
I had nothing to hope on that side; and that, instead
of meeting with so desirable an event, I must prepare
myself to support the trials of life.

After my eldest son was grown better, he got up
and came into my chamber. I was surprised at the
extraordinary change I saw in him. His face, lately

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103

so fair and beautiful, was become like a coarse spot of
earth, all full of furrows. That gave me the curiosity
to view myself in the looking-glass. I felt shocked, for
I saw that God had ordered the sacrifice in all its
reality.

Somethings now fell out by the contrariety of my
mother-in-law, that caused me severe crosses, and put
the finishing stroke to my son’s face. However, my
heart was firm in God, and strengthened itself by
the number and greatness of my sufferings. I was as
a victim incessantly offered upon the altar, to Him who
first sacrificed himself for love. “ What shall I render
to the Lord, for all his benefits toward me ? I will
take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of
the Lord.” These words, I can truly say, O my God,
have been the delight of my heart, and have had their
effect on me, through my whole life; for I have been
continually heaped with thy blessings and thy cross.
My principal attraction, besides that of suffering for
thee, has been to yield myself up without resistance,
interiorly and exteriorly, to all thy divine disposals;
and these gifts which I was favored with from the
beginning, have continued and increased until now; —
for thou hast thyself guided my continual crosses, and
led me through paths impenetrable to all but thee.

They sent me pomatums to recover my complexion,
and to fill up the hollows of the small-pox. I had seen
wonderful effects from it upon others, and therefore at
first had a mind to try them. But Love, jealous of his
work, would not suffer it. There was a voice in my
heart which said, “If I would have had thee fair, I
would have left thee as thou wert.” I was therefore
obliged to lay aside every remedy, and to go into the

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air, which made the pitting worse; and to expose my¬
self in the street to the eyes of everyone, when the
redness of the small-pox was at the worst, in order to
make my humiliation triumph, where I had exalted my
pride.

My husband kept his bed almost all that time, and
made good use of his indisposition. Only as he now
lost that, which before gave him so much pleasure in
viewing me, he grew much more susceptible of impres¬
sions which any gave him against me. In consequence
of this, the persons who spoke to him to my disadvan¬
tage, finding themselves now better hearkened to, spoke
more boldly and more frequently. There was only
thou, O my God, who changed not for me. Thou
didst redouble my interior graces, in proportion as
thou didst augment my exterior crosses.

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