CHAPTER XIV.

After this, my husband enjoying some intermission
of his almost continual ailments, had a mind to go to
Orleans, and from thence into Touraine. In this jour¬
ney my vanity made its last blaze. I received abund¬
ance of visits and applauses. But how clearly did I see
the folly of men who are so taken with vain beauty !
I disliked the passion, yet not that in myself which
caused it, though I sometimes ardently desired to be
delivered from it. The continual combat of nature
and grace cost me no small affliction. Nature was
pleased with public applause; but grace made me dread
it. "What augmented the temptation was, that they
esteemed in me virtue, joined with youth and beauty;
not knowing that all the virtue was only in God, and
his protection, and all the weakness in myself.

I went in search of confessors, to accuse myself of
my failings, and to bewail my backslidings; but they
were utterly insensible of my pain. They esteemed
what God condemned. They treated as a virtue what
to me appeared detestable in his sight. Ear from
measuring my faults by his graces, they only consid¬
ered what I was, in comparison of what I might have
been. Hence, instead of blaming me, they only flat¬
tered my pride, and justified me in what incurred his
rebuke; or only treated as a slight fault what in me
was highly displeasing to him, from whom J had
received such signal mercies.

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93

The heinousness of sins is not to be measured
sirgly by their nature, but also by the state of the
person who commits them; as the least unfaithfulness
in a spouse is more injurious to her husband, than far
greater ones in his domestics. I told them all the
trouble I had been under, for not having entirely cov¬
ered my neck; though it was covered much more than
by other women of my age. They assured me that I
was very modestly dressed; and as my husband liked
my dress, there could be nothing amiss in it. My
inward director taught me quite the contrary; but I
had not courage enough to follow him, and to dress
myself differently from others, at my age. Beside, my
vanity furnished me with pretences seemingly just, for
following the fashions. Oh, if pastors knew what hurt
they do in humoring female vanity, they would be
more severe against it. Had I found but one person
hrnest enough to deal plainly with me, I should not
hnve gone on thus; no, not for a moment. But my
vanity, siding with the declared opinion of all others,
induced me to think them in the right, and my own
scruples to be mere fancy.

We met with accidents in this journey, sufficient to
have terrified anyone; and though corrupt nature pre¬
vailed so far as I have just mentioned, yet my resigna¬
tion to God was so strong, that I passed fearless, even
where there was apparently no possibility of escape.
At one time we got into a narrow pass, and did not
perceive, until we were too far advanced to draw back,
that the road was undermined by the river Loire, which
ran beneath, and the banks had fallen in; so that in
some places the footmen were obliged to support one
side of the carriage. All around me were terrified to

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THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

the highest degree, yet God kept me perfectly tran¬
quil; and I secretly rejoiced at the prospect of losing
my life by a singular stroke of his providence.

On my return, I went to see Mrs. Granger, to whom
I related how it had been with me while abroad. She
strengthened and encouraged me to pursue my first
design, and she advised me to cover my neck entirely,
which I have done ever since, notwithstanding the
singularity of it.

The Lord, who had so long deferred the chastise-
ment merited by such a series of infidelities, now began
to punish me with double rigor for the abuse of his
grace. Sometimes I wished to retire to a convent, and
thought it lawful, as I judged it impossible to corres¬
pond so fully with the divine operations, whilst en¬
gaged in worldly matters. I found wherein I was
weak, and that my faults were always of the same
nature; it was therefore I sought so ardently to shun
the occasion. I wished to hide myself in some cave,
or to be confined in a dreary prison, rather than enjoy
a liberty by which I suffered so much. Divine Love
gently drew me inward, and vanity dragged me out¬
ward, and my heart was rent asunder by the contest,
as I neither gave myself wholly up to the one nor the
other.

I besought my God to deprive me of power to dis¬
please him, and cried, — “Art thou not strong enough
wholly to eradicate this unjust duplicity out of my
heart?” For my vanity broke forth when occasions
offered; yet I quickly returned to God, and he, instead
of repulsing or upbraiding me, often received me with
open arms, and gave me fresh testimonials of his love,
which filled me with the most painful reflections on my

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95

offence; for though this wretched vanity was still so
prevalent, yet my love to God was such, that after my
wanderings, I would rather have chosen his rod than
his caresses. His interests, so to speak, were more
dear to me than my own, and I wished he would have
done himself justice upon me. My heart was full of
grief and of love, and I was stung to the quick for
offending him, who showered his grace so profusely
upon me. That those who know not God should offend
him by sin is not to be wondered at, but that a heart
which loved him more than itself, and so fully experi¬
enced his love, that this heart should be seduced by
propensities which it detests, is a most cruel martyr¬
dom, rendered inexpressibly afflicting by its long con¬
tinuance.

When I felt most strongly thy presence, and thy
love, O my Lord, said I, how wonderfully thou
bestowest thy favors on such a wretched creature, who
requites thee only with ingratitude. For if anyone
reads this life with attention, he will see on God’s part,
nothing but goodness, mercy, and love, and on my
part, nothing but weakness, sin and infidelity. If
there be anything that is good, it is thine, O my God !
As for me, I have nothing to glory in but my infirmi¬
ties and my unworthiness, since, in that everlasting
marriage-union thou hast made with me, I brought
with me nothing but weakness, sin and misery. Oh,
my Love ! how I rejoice to owe all to thee, and that
thou favorest my heart with a sight of the treasures
and boundless riches of thy grace and love! Thou
hast dealt by me, as if a magnificent king should marry
a poor slave, forget her slavery, give her all the orna¬
ments which may render her pleasing in his eyes, and

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freely pardon her all the faults and ill qualities which
her ignorance and had education had given her. This
thou hast made my case. My poverty is become
my riches, and in the extremity of my weakness I have
found my strength. Oh, if any knew, with what con¬
fusion the indulgent favors of God cover the soul after
its faults ! — ’tis inconceivable ! Such a soul would wish
with all its power to satisfy the divine justice. I made
verses and little songs to bewail myself. I exercised
austerities, but they did not satisfy my heart. They
were like those drops of water which only serve to
make the fire hotter. When I take a view of God, and
myself, I am obliged to cry out, “ Oh, admirable con¬
duct of Love toward an ungrateful wretch ! Oh, horri¬
ble ingratitude toward such unparalleled goodness”
A great part of my life is only a mixture of such things
as might be enough to sink me to the grave betwixt
grief and love.

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