CHAPTER XI

My senses (as I have described) were continually
mortified, and under perpetual restraint. For it
should be well noted, that to conquer them totally, it
is necessary to deny them the smallest relaxation, until
the victory is completed. We see those who content
themselves in practicing great outward austerities, and
yet by indulging their senses in what is called innocent
and necessary, they remain forever unsubdued; so
that austerities, however severe, will not conquer the
senses. To destroy their power, the most effectual
means is, in general, to deny them firmly what will
please, and to persevere in this, until they are reduced
to be without desire or repugnance. But if we
attempt, during the warfare, to grant them any relaxa¬
tion, we act like those, who, under pretext of strength¬
ening a man, who was condemned to be starved to
death, should give him from time to time a little nour¬
ishment, which indeed would prolong his torments,
and postpone his death.

It is just the same with the death of the senses, the
powers, the understanding, and self-will; for if we do
not eradicate eveiy remains of self subsisting in these,
we support them in a dying life to the end. This state
and its termination are clearly set forth by St. Paul.
He speaks of bearing about in the body the dying of
the Lord Jesus. (2 Cor. iv. 10.) But, lest we should
rest here, he fully distinguishes this from the state of

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being dead, and having our life hid with Christ in
God. It is only by a total death to self we can be lost
in God.

He who is thus dead has no further need of morti¬
fication; for the very end of mortification is accom¬
plished in him, and all is become new. It is an
unhappy error in those good souls, who have arrived
at a conquest of the bodily senses, through this unre¬
mitted and continual mortification, that they should
still continue attached to the exercise of it; they should
rather drop their attention thereto, and remain in
indifference, accepting with equality the good as the
bad, the sweet as the bitter, and bend their whole
attention to a labor of greater importance; namely,
the mortification of the mind and self-will, beginning
by dropping all the activity of self, which can never be
done without the most profound prayer; no more than
the death of the senses can be perfected without pro¬
found recollection joined to mortification; and indeed
recollection is the chief means whereby we attain to a
conquest of the senses, as it detaches and separates us
from them, and sweetly saps the very cause from
whence they derive their influence over us.

The more thou didst augment my love, and my
patience, O my Lord, the less respite had I from the
most oppressive crosses; but love rendered them easy
to bear. O ye poor souls, who exhaust yourselves with
needless vexation, if you would but seek God in your
hearts, there would be a speedy end to all your
troubles; for the increase of crosses would proportion¬
ately increase your delight.

Love, at the beginning, athirst for mortification
impelled me to seek and invent various kinds, and it is

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surprising, that as soon as the bitterness of any new
mode of mortification was exhausted, another kind was
pointed to me, and I was inwardly led to pursue it.
Divine love so enlightened my heart, and so scrutinized
into its secret springs, that the smallest defects became
exposed. If I was about to speak, something wrong
was instantly pointed to me, and I was compelled to
silence; if I kept silence, faults herein were presently
discovered, — in every action there was something
defective — in my mortifications, my penances, my
alms-giving, my retirement, I was faulty. When I
walked, I observed there was something wrong; if I
spoke any way in my own favor, I saw pride. If I
said within myself, alas, I will speak no more, here
was self. If I was cheerful and open, I was condemned.
This pure love always found matter for reproof in me,
and was jealous that nothing should escape unnoticed.
It was not that I was particularly attentive over myself,
for it was even with constraint that I could look at all at
myself; as my attention towards God, by an attach¬
ment of my will to his, was without intermission, I
waited continually upon him, and he watched inces¬
santly over me, and he so led me by his providence,
that I forgot all things. I knew not how to communi¬
cate what I felt to anyone. I was so lost to myself,
that I could scarcely go about self-examination; when
I attempted it all ideas of myself immediately disap¬
peared, and I found myself occupied with my one
object, without distinction of ideas. I was absorbed in
peace inexpressible; I saw by the eye of faith that it
was God that thus wholly possessed me; but I did not
reason at all about it.

It must not, however, be supposed that Divine Love

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suffered my faults to go unpunished. O Lord ! with
what rigor, dost thou punish the most faithful, the
most loving and beloved of thy children. I mean not
externally, for this would be inadequate to the smallest
fault, in a soul that God is about to purify radically;
and the punishments it can inflict on itself, are rather
gratifications aad refreshments than otherwise. Indeed,
the manner in which he corrects his chosen, must be
felt, or it is impossible to conceive how dreadful it is,
and in my attempt to explain it, I shall be unintelligi¬
ble, except to experienced souls. It is an internal
burning, a secret fire, sent from God to purge away the
fault, giving extreme pain, until this purification is
effected. It is like a dislocated joint, which is in inces¬
sant torment, until the bone is replaced. This pain is
so severe, that the soul would do anything to satisfy
God for the fault, and would rather be tom in pieces
than endure the torment. Sometimes she flies to oth¬
ers, and opens her state that she may find consolation,
but thereby she frustrates God’s designs towards her.
It is of the utmost consequence to know what use to
make of the distress, as the whole of one’s spiritual
advancement depends thereon. We should at these
seasons of internal anguish, obscurity and mourning,
co-operate with God, and endure this consuming tor¬
ture in its utmost extent (whilst it continues) without
attempting to lessen or increase it; but bear it pas¬
sively, nor seek to satisfy God by anything we can do
of ourselves. To continue passive at such a time is
extremely difficult, and requires great firmness and
courage. I knew some, who being defective herein,
never advanced farther in the spiritual process, because
they grew impatient, and sought means of consolation.

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