D. Conway was then preaching, and discussion with

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him did something towards widening my views on the deeper religious problems ; I re-read Dean Mansel's " Bampton Lectures," and they did much towards turning me in the direction of Atheism ; I re-read Mill's " Examination of Sir William Hamilton's Philosophy," and studied carefully Comte's "Philo- sophic Positive." Gradually I recognised the limita- tions of human intelligence and its incapacity for understanding the nature of God, presented as infinite and absolute ; I had given up the use of prayer as a blasphemous absurdity, since an all-wise God could not need my suggestions,, nor an all-good God require my promptings. But God fades out of the daily life of those who never pray ; a personal God who is not a Providence is a superfluity ; when from the heaven does not smile a listening Father, it soon becomes an empty space, whence resounds no echo of man's cry. I could then reach no loftier conception of the Divine than that offered by the orthodox, and that broke hopelessly away as I analysed it.
At last I said to Mr. Scott, " Mr. Scott, may I write a tract on the nature and existence of God ? "
He glanced at me keenly. " Ah, little lady, you are facing, then, that problem at last ? I thought it must come. Write away."
While this pamphlet was in MS. an event occurred which coloured all my succeeding life. I met Charles Bradlaugh.
One day in the late spring, talking with Mrs. Conway — one of the sweetest and steadiest natures whom it has been my lot to meet, and to whom, as
134 ANNIE BESANT.
to her husband, I owe much for kindness generously shown when I was poor and had but few friends — she asked me if I had been to the Hall of Science, Old Street. I answered, with the stupid, ignorant reflection of other people's prejudices so sadly common, " No, I have never been there. Mr. Bradlaugh is rather a rough sort of speaker, is he not ? "
"He is the finest speaker of Saxon-English that I have ever heard," she answered, " except, perhaps, John Bright, and his power over a crowd is something marvellous. Whether you agree with him or not, you should hear him."
In the following July I went into the shop of Mr. Edward Truelove, 256, High Holborn, in search ot some Comtist publications, having come across his name as a publisher in the course of my study at the British Museum. On the counter was a copy of the National Reformer^ and, attracted by the title, I bought it. I read it placidly in the omnibus on my way to Victoria Station, and found it excellent, and was sent into convulsions of inward merriment when, glancing up, I saw an old gentleman gazing at me, with horror speaking from every line of his countenance. To see a young woman, respectably dressed in crape, reading an Atheistic journal, had evidently upset his peace of mind, and he looked so hard at the paper that I was tempted to offer it to him, but repressed the mischievous inclination.
This first copy of the paper with which I was to be so closely connected bore date July 19, 1874, and contained two long letters from a Mr. Arnold of
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Northampton, attacking Mr. Bradlaugh, and a brief and singularly self-restrained answer from the latter. There was also an article on the National Secular Society, which made me aware that there was an organisation devoted to the propagandism of Free Thought. I felt that if such a society existed, I ought to belong to it, and I consequently wrote a short note to the editor of the National Reformer^ asking whether it was necessary for a person to profess Atheism before being admitted to the Society. The answer appeared in the National Reformer : —
"S. E. — To be a member of the National Secular Society it is only necessary to be able honestly to accept the four principles, as given in the National Reformer of June 14th. This any person may do without being required to avow himself an Atheist. Candidly, we can see no logical resting-place between the entire acceptance of authority, as in the Roman Catholic Church, and the most extreme Rationalism, If, on again looking to the Principles of the Society, you can accept them, we repeat to you our invitation."
I sent my name in as an active member, and find it is recorded in the National Reformer of August 9th. Having received an intimation that Londoners could receive their certificates at the Hall of Science from Mr. Bradlaugh on any Sunday evening, I betook my- self thither, and it was on August 2, 1874, that I first set foot in a Freethought hall.
The Hall was crowded to suffocation, and, at the very moment announced for the lecture, a roar of cheering burst forth, a tall figure passed swiftly up
136 Annie besant.
the Hall to the platform, and, with a slight bow in answer to the voluminous greeting, Charles Bradlaugh took his seat. I looked at him with interest, impressed and surprised. The grave, quiet, stern, strong face, the massive head, the keen eyes, the magnificent breadth and height of forehead — was this the man I had heard described as a blatant agitator, an ignorant demagogue ?
He began quietly and simply, tracing out the resem- blances between the Krishna and the Christ myths, and as he went from point to point his voice grew in force and resonance, till it rang round the hall like a trumpet. Familiar with the subject, I could test the value of his treatment of it, and saw that his knowledge was as sound as his language was splendid. Eloquence, fire, sarcasm, pathos, passion, all in turn were bent against Christian superstition, till the great audience, carried away by the torrent of the orator's force, hung silent, breathing soft, as he went on, till the silence that followed a magnificent peroration broke the spell, and a hurricane of cheers relieved the tension.
He came down the Hall with some certificates in his hand, glanced round, and handed me mine with a questioning " Mrs. Besant ? " Then he said, referring to my question as to a profession of Atheism, that he would willingly talk over the subject of Atheism with me if I would make an appointment, and offered me a book he had been using in his lecture. Long afterwards I asked him how he knew me, whom he had never seen, that he came straight to me in such fashion. He laughed and. said he did not know, but, glancing over the faces, he felt sure that I was Annie Besant.
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From that first meeting in the Hall of Science dated a friendship that lasted unbroken till Death severed the earthly bond, and that to me stretches through Death's gateway and links us together still. As friends, not as strangers, we met — swift recognition, as it were, leaping from eye to eye ; and I know now that the instinctive friendliness was in very truth an outgrowth of strong friendship in other Fives, and that on that August day we took up again an ancient tie, we did not begin a new one. And so in lives to come we shall meet again, and help each other as we helped each other in this. And let me here place on record, as I have done before, some word of what I owe him for his true friendship ; though, indeed, how great is my debt to him I can never tell. Some of his wise phrases have ever remained in my memory. " You should never say you have an opinion on a subject until you have tried to study the strongest things said against the view to which you are inclined." " You must not think you know a subject until you are acquainted with all that the best mmds have said about it." *' No steady work can be done in public unless the worker study at home far more than he talks outside." "Be your own harshest judge , listen to your own speech and criticise it ; read abuse of yourself and see what grains of truth are in it." " Do not waste time by reading opinions that are mere echoes of your own ; read opinions you disagree with, and you will catch aspects of truth you do not readily see." Through our long comradeship he was my sternest as well as gentlest critic, pointing out to me that in a party like ours, where our own education and
138 ANNIE BESANT.
knowledge were above those whom we led, it was very easy to gain indiscriminate praise and unstinted admiration ; on the other hand, we received from Christians equally indiscriminate abuse and hatred. It was, therefore, needful that we should be our own harshest judges, and that we should be sure that we knew thoroughly every subject that we taught. He saved me from the superficiality that my " fiital facility" of speech might so easily have induced ; and when I began to taste the intoxication of easily won applause, his criticism of weak points, his challenge of weak arguments, his trained judgment, were of priceless service to me, and what of value there is in my work is very largely due to his influence, which at once stimulated and restrained.
One very charming characteristic of his was his extreme courtesy in private life, especially to women. This outward polish, which sat so gracefully on his massive frame and stately presence, was foreign rather than English — for the English, as a rule, save such as go to Court, are a singularly unpolished people — and it gave his manner a peculiar charm. I asked him once where he had learned his gracious fashions that were so un-English — he would stand with uplifted hat as he asked a question of a maidservant, or handed a woman into a carriage — and he answered, with a half- smile, half-scoff, that it was only in England he was an outcast from society. In France, in Spain, in Italy, he was always welcomed among men and women of the highest social rank, and he supposed that he had unconsciously caught the foreign tricks of manner.
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Moreover, he was absolutely indifferent to all ques- tions of social position ; peer or artisan, it was to him exactly the same ; he never seemed conscious of the distinctions of which men make so much.
Our first conversation, after the meeting at the Hall of Science, took place a day or two later in his little study in 29, Turner Street, Commercial Road, a wee room overflowing with books, in which he looked singularly out of place. Later I learned that he had failed in business in consequence of Christian persecu- tion, and, resolute to avoid bankruptcy, he had sold everything he possessed, save his books, had sent his wife and daughters to live in the country with his father-in-law, had taken two tiny rooms in Turner Street, where he could live for a mere trifle, and had bent himself to the task of paying oflF the liabilities he had incurred — incurred in consequence of his battling for political and religious liberty. I took with me my MS. essay " On the Nature and Existence of God," and it served as the basis for our conversation ; we found there was little difi"erence in our views. *' You have thought yourself into Atheism without knowing it," he said, and all that I changed in the essay was the correction of the vulgar error that the Atheist says " there is no God," by the insertion of a passage disclaiming this position from an essay pointed out to me by Mr. Bradlaugh. And at this stage of my life-story, it is necessary to put very clearly the position I took up and held so many years as Atheist, because otherwise the further evolution into Theosophist will be wholly incomprehensible. It will lead me into
140 ANNIE BESANT.
metaphysics, and to some readers these are dry, but if any one would understand the evolution of a Soul he must be willing to face the questions which the Soul faces in its growth. And the position of the philosophic Atheist is so misunderstood that it is the more necessary to put it plainly, and Theosophists, at least, in reading it, will see how Theosophy stepped in finally as a further evolution towards knowledge, rendering rational, and therefore acceptable, the loftiest spirituality that the human mind can as yet conceive.
In order that I may not colour my past thinkings by my present thought, I take my statements from pam- phlets written when I adopted the Atheistic philosophy and while I continued an adherent thereof. No charge can then be made that I have softened my old opinions for the sake of reconciling them with those now held.