CHAPTER IY

QUICKENED SPIRIT OF SACRIFICE
BEFORE I proceed with, my narrative of the struggle for the Indian settlers’ rights in the Transvaal and of the dealings with the Asiatic Department, I must turn to some other aspects of my life.
Up to now there had been in me a mixed desire. The spirit of self-sacrifice was tempered by the desire to lay by something for the future.
About the time I took up chambers in Bombay, an American insurance agent had come there — a man with a pleasing countenance and a sweet tongue. As though we were old friends he discussed
20 MY EXPERIMENTS WITH TRUTH
with me matters for my future welfare. ‘ All men of your status in America have their lives insured. Should you not also insure yourself against the future ? Life is uncertain. We in America regard it as a religious obligation to get insured. Can I not tempt you to take out a small policy ? ’
Up to this time I had given the cold shoulder to all the agents I had met in South Africa and India, for I had thought that life assurance implied fear and want of faith in God. But now I succumbed to the temptation of the American agent. As he proceeded with his argument, I had before my mind’s eye a picture of my wife and children.
4 Man, you have sold almost all the ornaments of your wife,’ I said to myself.
‘ If something were to happen to you, the burden of supporting her and the children would fall on your poor brother who has so nobly filled the place of father. How would that become you ? 9 With these and similar arguments I
QUICKENED SPIRIT OF SACRIFICE 21
persuaded myself to take out a policy for Bs. 10,000.
But the changed mode of my life in South Africa altered my outlook. All the steps I took at this time of trial were taken in the name of God and for His service. I did not know how long I should have to stay in South Africa. I had a fear that I might never be able to get back to India, and so I had decided that I should have my wife and children with me, and no longer impose separation upon them, and that I should earn enough to support them. This train of reasoning made me deplore the life policy, and feel ashamed of having been caught in the net of the insurance agent. If, I said to myself, my brother is really in the position of my father, surely he would not consider it too much of a burden to support my widow, if it came to that. And what reason had I to assume that death would claim me earlier than the others ? After all the real protector was neither I nor my brother, but the
22 MY EXPERIMENTS WITH TRUTH
Almighty. In getting my life insured I had robbed my wife and children of their self-reliance. Why should they not be expected to take care of themselves ? What happened to the families of the numberless poor in the world ? Why should I not count myself as one of them ?
A multitude of thoughts passed through my mind, but I did not immediately act upon them. I recollect having paid at least one insurance premium in South Africa.
But outward circumstances too sup- ported this train of thought. During my first sojourn in South Africa it had been Christian influence that had kept alive in me the religious sense. Now it was the Theosophical influence that added strength to it. Mr. Bitch was a Theo- sophist, and he put me in touch with the Society at Johannesburg. I never became a member of it, as I had my differences, but I came in close contact with almost every Theosophist. I had religious
QUICKENED SPIRIT OF SACRIFICE 23
discussions with them every day. There used to be readings from Theosophical books and sometimes I had occasions to address their meetings. The chief thing about Theosophy is to cultivate and promote the idea of brotherhood. We had considerable discussion over this, and I criticised the members where their conduct did not appear to me to square with their ideal. The criticism was not without its wholesome effect on me. It led to self-introspection.
CHAPTER Y
RESULT OF INTROSPECTION
HEN, in 1893, I came in close
VV contact with Christian friends I was a mere novice. They were trying hard to bring home to me, and make me accept, the message of Jesus, and I was a humble and respectful listener with an open mind. At that time I naturally studied Hinduism to the best of my ability and endeavoured to understand other religions.
In 1908 the position was somewhat changed. Theosophist friends certainly intended to draw me into their Society, but that was with a view to getting some¬ thing from me as a Hindu. Theosophical
RESULT OF INTROSPECTION 25
literature is replete with Hindu influence, and so these friends expected that I should be very helpful to them. I explained that my Sanskrit study was not much to speak of, that I had not read the Hindu scriptures in the original, and that even my acquaintance with them through translations was of the slightest. But being as they were believers in samskara ( impressions of previous births ) and punarjanma (rebirth), they assumed that I should be able to render at least some help. And so I felt like a Triton among the minnows. I started reading Swami Yivekananda’s Rajayoga with some of these friends and M. N. Dvivedi’s Rajayoga with others. I had to read Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras with one friend and the Bhagavad Gita with quite a number. "We formed a sort of Seekers’ Club where we had regular readings. I already had faith in the Gita which had a fascination for me. Now I realised the necessity of diving deeper into it. I had with me one or two
26 MY EXPERIMENTS WITH TRUTH
translations, by means of which I tried to understand the original Sanskrit and decided to get by heart one or two verses every day. For this purpose I employed the time of my morning ablutions. The operation took me thirty live minutes, fifteen minutes for the tooth brush and twenty for the bath. The first I used to do standing in the Western fashion. So on the wall opposite I stuck slips of paper on which were written the Gita verses and referred to them now and then to help my memory. This time was found sufficient for memorising the daily portion and recalling the verses already learnt. I remember having thus committed to memory thirteen chapters. But the memorising of the Gita had to give way to the increase of other work and the birth and nursing of Satyagraha which absorbed all my thinking time, as the latter may be said to be doing even now.
What effect this reading of the Gita had on the friends with whom I
RESULT OF INTROSPECTION 27
read it, only they can say, but for me the Gita became an infallible guide of conduct. It became my dictionary of daily reference. Just as I turned to the English dictionary for English words that I did not understand, I turned to this dictionary of conduct for a ready solution of all my troubles and trials. The words like aparigralici (non-possession) and samabhava (equability) gripped me. How to cultivate and preserve that equability was the question. What was the meaning of making no distinction between insulting, insolent, and corrupt officials, co-workers of yesterday raising meaningless opposi¬ tion, and men who had always been good to one ? And how was one to divest oneself of all possessions? Was not the body itself possession enough? Were not the wife and children possessions? Was I to destroy all the cupboards of books I had? Was I to burn my boats, give up all I had and follow Him ? Straight came the answer : I could not follow Him unless I gave up all I had. My study of
28 MY EXPERIMENTS WITH TRUTH
English law came to my help. Snell’s discussion of the maxims of Equity came to my memory. I understood more clearly in the light of the Gita teaching the implication of the word ‘ trustee.’ My regard for jurisprudence increased, I discovered in it religion. I understood the Gita teaching of non-possession to mean that those who desired salvation should act like the trustee, who though having control over great possessions regards not an iota of it as his own. It became clear to me as daylight that non-possession and equability presupposed a change of heart, a change of attitude. I then wrote to Kevashankarbhai to allow the insurance policy to lapse and get whatever could be recovered, or else to regard the premiums, already paid, as lost, for I had become convinced that God who created my wife and children as well as myself would take care of them. To my brother who had been as father to me, I wrote explaining that I had always offered him all that I had saved up to that moment,
RESULT OF INTROSPECTION
29
but that henceforth he should expect nothing from me, for all future savings, if any, would be utilised for the benefit of the community.
I could not easily make my brother understand this. In stern language he explained to me my duty towards him. I should not, he said, aspire to be wiser than our father. I must support the family as he did. I pointed out to him that I was doing exactly what our father had done. It only needed that the meaning of £ family ’ should be slightly widened and the wisdom of my step would become clear.
My brother gave me up, and practically stopped all communication with me. I was deeply distressed, but it would have been a greater distress to give up what I considered to be my duty, and I preferred the lesser. But that did not affect my devotion to my brother which remained as pure and great as ever. His excessive love for me was at the root of his misery. He did not so much want my
30 MY EXPERIMENTS WITH TRUTH
money as that I should be well-behaved towards the family. Near the end of his life, however, he appreciated my view¬ point. When almost on his death-bed he realised that my step had been right and he wrote me a most pathetic letter. He apologised to me, if indeed a father may apologise to his son. He commended his sons to my care, to be brought up as I thought fit, and expressed his impatience to meet me. He cabled to me that he would like to come to South Africa and I cabled in reply that he could. But that was not to be. His desire as regards his sons also could not be fulfilled. He died before he could start for South Africa. His sons had been brought up in the old atmosphere and they could not change their course of life. I could not draw them to me. It was not their fault.
4 Who can say thus far, no further, to the tide of his own nature ? ’ Who can erase the indelible impressions with which he is born ? It is idle to expect one’s children and wards necessarily to
RESULT OF INTROSPECTION
31
follow the same course of evolution as oneself.
This instance to some extent serves to show what a terrible responsibility it is to be a parent.